Campaign Promises - 22 January 2024

   My Subjects, I have to reveal something horrible to you this morning. There is something more horrible going on than that virus thing of a few years ago. Everybody knows that the virus thing was invented by the Democrats to try and make me look bad (Never Gonna Happen!), but my superior reasoning skills – the most perfect reasoning skills ever known – have told me that there was something more horrible going on – not more horrible than my losing the election, but more horrible than the campaign about the Panda-demic. (I call it that because the little yellow people in China started it, and that’s where the pandas come from – well, other than the American pandas that we have in our zoos, that are American pandas.)

   No, I asked myself why did the Democrats try so hard to make America un-great again by using that dumb, loser Panda-demic thing, when they knew it wouldn’t affect my Overwhelming Support? My Perfect brain told me that something more horrible was going on. And then I saw the Chevrolet commercial (a great American company, Chevy, Making America Great Again) where the announcer says, “These are Real People, not Actors.” At first, I couldn’t believe it, and then I heard an insurance spokesman (Great People, insurance people!) say it: “These are not Actors; they’re Real People.” But when I heard three different commercials from the Drug Dealers (nothing more American than the Prescription People): “These are Real People, not Actors,” I knew it couldn’t be a mistake. There are not-real-people among us – Actors! – posing as Real People – taking American jobs, doing crimes just like Illegal Aliens, using our resources, and Voting in our elections – not only voting, but voting Democrat! This is horrible!

   Obviously, there are a lot of these Actor-things in the country. Where did they come from? I read on Twitter (or maybe it was me that posted the story) that the Democrats were actually protecting these things with the Endangered Species Act. I also saw (or wrote?) a tweet that Democrats might be cross-breeding with these Actors, trying to create a strong Social Democrat race that would try to take over the world. That won’t happen, of course, because I’m in control, but we will get rid of the Endangered Species Act, just in case.

   Besides the ones in the country already, more Actors are coming in regularly. My Mexican Wall has helped deter some of them, but we know that there aren’t very many brown-skinned Actors, so that border must not be a major entry point. No, it’s Canada. For God’s sake, we know Hallmark has their own colony of Actors in British Columbia (taking jobs from Americans, by the way), and injecting their philosophies into our entertainment business. (Some of them even do those un-American commercials with the creepy music about getting “forever homes” for stray cats and mongrel dogs.) I will take care of that threat by immediately authorizing a wall between us and Canada – it’ll be bigger and better than my Mexican wall, and Canada will pay for it!

   But that still may not be enough. It is obvious that these Actors (whatever kind of creature they are) grow old and die, just like Real People, yet we still have just as many as ever. I conclude that they are still arriving from Outer Space on a regular basis. By Executive Order (that I will sign immediately after my previous win from four years ago is acknowledged by my Pet Supreme Court), I am assigning the first big job to my new branch of the military, my Intergalactic Warriors (or Space Cadets, as some call them). They will erect and police a barrier above the United States (and eventually above the whole world, because we don’t want any of these things slipping through), attacking and destroying any Space Beings that approach. They will also form a special team (to be called the T-Team, after you-know-who) to go deep into Outer Space, seeking the nest of these Actors and wiping them off the face of every galaxy. The best part? Americans won’t have to pay a cent, because all the world governments will chip in to cover our costs, just like the Mexicans have done with our Southern Wall and the Canadians will do with our Northern Barrier.

   Don’t forget to vote.

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